Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Why Global Warming Really IS Our Fault And How You Can Stop It

Disclaimer: Despite numerous claims by the author of this blog, none of the information contained below is or should be taken as fact.  There is no actual evidence to back up this ludicrous theory.  I pretty much made up the whole thing while I was shoveling a 18 inches of snow off my driveway. In fact, I'm pretty sure following my advice on solving global warming will actually make it worse.

In order to establish the cause behind global warming, one must begin by looking at the science behind it.  Some researchers argue it has everything to do with the Ozone, others say it's the CO2 levels in the atmosphere, and others (mainly meteorologists) point toward tens of thousands of years of climate change, both warming and cooling, and argue these cycles occur naturally and regularly.

I have a new theory on the science behind global warming: Murphy's Law is behind it.  No one can argue the existence of Murphy's Law.  Everyone in the universe at some point has experienced an "anything that can go wrong, will go wrong" type of situation.


The phrase ("anything that can go wrong, will go wrong") was coined in adverse reaction to something Murphy said when his devices failed to perform and was eventually cast into its present form prior to a press conference some months later — the first ever (of many) conferences given by Dr. John Stapp, a U.S. Air Force colonel and Flight Surgeon in the 1950s. These conflicts (a long running interpersonal feud) were unreported until (Author of "A History of Murphy's Law, Nick T) Spark researched the matter.


I lifted this last paragraph from Wikipedia, a modern internet encyclopedia, so it has to be true. You may have noted, the last line of the paragraph refers to Murphy's Law being "researched."  If something is researched, it has to be science, right?

So, now that it has been established that Murphy's Law is in fact accurate science, here is a look at how it is partially responsible for global warming.

This winter is my first as a suburban homeowner.  As a rookie, I made two glaring mistakes that I blame for all of this recent snowfall. I mean, when is the last time two blizzards hit Massachusetts in less than a month?
First, I asked for and received a pair of ice skates for Christmas.  I hadn't skated in about 7 years and was anxious to get back into it.  This purchase could have gone one of two ways; warm winter or lots of snow.  Either way, there's no way Murphy is going to let things go right on that purchase.

The deciding factor, which was actually a precursor to the skate purchase, turned out to be my decision NOT to purchase a snowblower.  My neighbor's elderly sister was getting rid of hers and offered it to me at a steep discount.  I declined.  Instead, I was saving my money for a pair of ice skates.  Those two decisions obviously directly lead to massive amounts of snowfall and the probability that I won't see my grass until early July.

The same science applies to global warming.  After an unbearably hot early summer, I finally got my hands on an air conditioner.  But some people continue to hold out. If those people decide not to purchase one this spring, thinking they can survive the summer without any air conditioning, Murphy will be there to impose his law.  Thus, the trend of global warming will continue. This will just reinforce the beliefs of scientists who blame mankind for global warming.  If you buy the A/C (and save up enough additional money to cover the extra expense an A/C puts on your electric bill), expect a cool summer.

I realize there's a foot-and-a-half of snow on the ground and most stores are closed today, but please, for the sake of stopping global warming, go out and purchase an air conditioner. Do it now before it's too late. And while you're out, if you want to swing by and help shovel my driveway, I'd appreciate the help.  Thanks.

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